progress

“I, I'm a survivor
I won't let it get the best of me, I'll try my very best to be that strong
Oh, oh, oh, I, I'm a survivor
And I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
Oh no I'll, I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
I'll just keep moving on
I'm a survivor
Oh yes I am”
--Jo Dee Messina w/Brad Johnson

I am making progress! Whatever do you mean b.a? Well, today marks year two of being a cancer survivor.

If you were to meet me in person you would not notice any physical signs to indicate that breast cancer was once a part of my life. My short hair do might give you a hint but otherwise, people assume I am fine. Outward appearances are deceiving however.

One of the issues that plague me is the phenomena of “chemo brain” which is an actual medical condition. It is quite similar to what some individuals call ‘senior moment’ or ‘c.r.s’ disease. Chemo brain seems to affect me the most when I am stressed or trying to multitask. Even though I completed chemo about 18 months ago, the symptoms persist. Medical journals can’t tell me if this will last forever or if they eventually will taper off. I will be going for my checkup here in about two weeks and I always pray for good news.

Scars are a permanent reminder of the physical effects but I don’t believe that I had truly dealt with the emotional side effects of cancer. It was easy to bury my feelings ~ there was too much going on with surgery and treatment. I had to stay focused and ensure that I would be back to my old self in no time. Therein lies the problem… I am never going to be my old self.

I had been in a nebulous state of mind for most of the summer (read 13 July post) and now I know the answer. The incessant rain has compelled me to look inward and address the issue. I won’t drag on as to how I discerned this conclusion. Just know that I accept the fact that the old b.a. is now a figment of my imagination and I don’t want to revive her. The new b.a. is going to work on maintaining her emotional health the same way she manages her physical self. I am going to be consciously aware of the triggers that tend to send me into orbit (not in a good way) and be very proactive. Look out FL; I won’t let you push my buttons.

Life is too short ~ eat dessert first!

~butterfly angel~